To my brother and sister-in-law on the birth of their first child

To my brother and sister-in-law on the birth of their first child,
What a beautiful child! Congratulations!
So enough about you guys.
Let me tell you how much I really appreciate you bringing him into the world. It’s gotten a little “estrogeny” around here and knowing that there is another Neel male out there brings me comfort. Also I’ve been hoarding fart and booger jokes for years in the hope that one of my brothers would have a male heir with whom I can pass on this treasure trove of male humor. So again…Thank You.
Now back to you.
You’ve finally evicted the little guy from the womb so I need to share a couple of things with you that the baby books, friends and family didn’t tell you about having a kid.
First off. You know that wonderful nursery you’ve spent so much of your time and economic resources decorating so that Marcus will have a nurturing calm environment in which to grow and prosper? He won’t be sleeping there or even go willingly into it. There’s a direct correlation between how great a nursery is and how likely it is that the kid will sleep, poop and leave their toys in your room.
Don’t spend a lot of time worrying about loud noises waking him. It doesn’t happen. Honking horns, doors slamming, barking dogs and plane crashes will be ignored. Lifting a fork after sitting down for dinner or turning the pages in that book you’ve been trying to finish for the last 3 months will though.
People will spend a lot of time looking at Marcus and telling you how much he looks like you. You’ll nod and agree but inside you’ll be wondering “how in the world could these people think that this small wrinkled disproportionate mass of humanity could possibly look anything like me”. Then you’ll remember that you haven’t slept or eaten more than two continuous bites of any meal in the past 3 months. Sleep deprivation and malnourishment will take its toll on your appearance which is why you now look like your baby.
One of the greatest moments in your life will be when you hear Marcus utter the words “momma” or “dada”. It won’t matter that he’s talking to the dog. Just reposition yourself between the dog and Marcus while making a mental note to have the pediatrician check his eyes on your next visit.
You will spend a lot of time being impressed by things like Marcus’s first green poop, his first brown poop, his first slightly solid poop, his first “I can smell it but I can’t find it” poop…and so on and so on. You’ll say things like, “It’s obvious he’s pooping on a 3rd grade level.” It’s important to remember that it’s normal to be impressed by these things and to comment between yourselves. Unfortunately you will also comment on this to other people who will look at you as if you’re crazy. Just remember they’re just jealous of Marcus’s obviously superior pooping abilities.
Marcus already understands complex math. He will be able to derive from how nice the clothes are you’re wearing, how late you are for an appointment and the availability of cleaning supplies, and determine exactly how much throw up to deposit on you. Solving for x, the answer is a lot.
A perk of having a baby is that you can now walk down the street with Marcus and make an incredible array of silly barnyard noises as loudly as you want and no one will call the police or ask you to kindly keep moving on. In fact 9 times of 10 they will join in. Just remember that with Marcus this is ok, without Marcus you’re just some weirdo walking down the street talking about poop and making cow noises.
Sleep. Let me say that again, SLEEP. Any opportunities you have to sleep take them. The old saying is “sleep when the baby’s sleeping”. (Just remember this doesn’t apply when operating a vehicle)
You will bug you’re home so that you can constantly monitor everything little Marcus does. These baby monitors will be placed throughout the home and you will often forget they are there. This is never truer than when someone comes to visit at an inopportune time and you begin talking about them after leaving the room to change Marcus. Chances are your so sleep deprived and malnourished that you won’t notice their glares when you come back in the room.
It’s important to not sweat the small things. You’ll forget his favorite toy somewhere. The bottle won’t always be the right temperature. You’ll turn your back for two seconds and he’ll be giving the dog a prostate exam when you turn back around (ask me about Claire). These are all small things. Just relax babies have really low expectations.
Most important of all remember that having a child gives you license to act a little crazy. Embrace it. Turn up the “Beatles for Babies” cd and dance around the room like an idiot. Its okay you have a kid and no one will judge you for having fun with him. It’s important to remember though that Marcus will get to a point where he will judge you for acting this way.
There’s no secret to being a great parent. Anyone who says different is lying or trying to sell you something. You guys are both great people and will bring up Marcus to be a great person too. I can’t wait to meet him and see firsthand what a great job you are doing at raising him.
All my love,
Andy